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here’s the thing. i’m so scared that my past will repeat itself that i’m basically making it happen. 

last night, my friends & i wanted to go bowling & i wanted him to go with me. i asked his mom & she said no. :\ but two of our (guy) friends wanted to go instead. so we were talking about going & one of my best (girl) friends grabs him & starts messing around & playing ninja. i didn’t care at first cause he probably looked bored but when he came back to me, she grabbed him again. this happened about 3 more times. then people started to make comments. 

"oooh look at them! getting all flirty! oooh…"

needless to say, i was getting upset. & territorial. why was she getting touchy with him? he’s mine! or at least in girlworld, he is. why is she flirting with him? she knows how much i like him. but quite honestly, it’s not a surprise from her. so before we left, i pulled him aside & told him what everyone was saying. he told me “don’t listen to other people seriously. we were just messing around. nothing was happening.” of course, i just dropped it cause i trust him & he’s done nothing to lose my trust. so we said goodbye & my friends & i left for the bowling alley.

while we were there, things came up that reminded me of him, so i told my (girl) friend. she rolled her eyes & walked away like i had insulted her. i just blew it off cause i didn’t feel like dealing with drama. but later in the night when i talked to one of my other (girl) friends, she said that she probably just didn’t get that it was wrong. so i just let it go for the night.

this morning, i talked to my dad about it. he responded with: “Riley, you take relationships very seriously, not that it’s a bad thing. you want to know exactly where you stand, which is also a good thing. you don’t like to play games because these things [relationships] aren’t toys to you. but what you need to understand is that you’re playing varsity football with a bunch of little freshman. the rules are different & if that upsets you, & you’re allowed to be, you can’t play with freshmen. of course, the freshman are trying really hard but it’s not a matter of trying, it’s a matter of doing. he needs to know what the rules are & i don’t think he knows exactly what he’s gotten into. he may not understand what you want.”

all of that hit me, really hard. but that didn’t change anything for me. i was excited to see him & be in his arms & hear him say my name & hold my hand. & i told him that something was wrong & i just needed to be around him. so as soon as i saw him, i wanted to tackle him & just feel that everything was okay. but no, i barely saw him. i didn’t hold his hand. he didn’t say my name. my heart sank into my stomach. during intermission, i tried to explain why i was upset & when he got a taste of what it was, he barely looked at me. he stared into his JuiceItUp like there was a mini-parade inside. i tried to be happy & make him laugh but nothing held. he left without giving me a hug. so i went back on stage & acted like nothing had happened.

after the show, he came to say bye, give me a quick hug & then left. i met one of his ex-flings & i texted him to tell him. then he stopped responding for awhile. so i had my friend call him so i could talk to him. then i was a bit bitchy, which i realized after we hung up. i was trying to call to see if we were okay cause he hates it when i get paranoid & upset, but knows what to do when it happened. he said “yeah, we’re okay.” & then he hung up because he’s super sick but he said he’d text me. so i apologized for being off cause what happened wasn’t a big deal & that i’d get over it. he said it was fine, that i just need to relax cause it’s all fine. & then he fell asleep.

so now, i’m sitting here writing another song for him cause i don’t know WHAT to do. i’ve messed up so much & i won’t see him til friday & even then, i’ll just see him, not really talk or hang out. i just want us to be okay. that’s it. i’ve never tried this hard for someone, or with someone. this guy is worth it though, cause he’s trying just as hard. i guess i’m just scared i’m not worth it to him…….

S C A R E D.

i really miss him. :\ i feel like i haven’t had him in so long…

i guess i’ll start from where i left off & go in order of events aha. 

well after he insinuated that he knew that i liked him, we got a bit closer. we’d cuddle & hold hands during shows and by the end of the run, we’d text every night until we(he) fell asleep. 

after the show closed, we wouldn’t be able to see eachother for three weeks, until wet tech for the show i was cast in. but then i found out that one of his sisters was in my cast. how? he showed up after a rehearsal to pick her up! as soon as i saw him, i ran & practically jumped into his arms. i was so happy to see him :] i seriously couldn’t stop smiling & everyone knew why aha. since we found a way to see eachother, he kept coming to pick her up so i’d go out & say hi & steal as many hugs as i could & then we’d text like always.

he started calling me at night & we’d talk for about an hour or so. about everything & about nothing aha. we’d just waste time laughing & making stupid unnecessary noises LOL. during one of our many conversations, i told him that i was writing a song for him. he said that he wasn’t 100% sure of my feelings for him. so i asked if he wanted the song to be that, an explanation and straight answer of my feelings for him. he said yes so i rewrote the song in an hour and a half. then i asked how he wanted to hear it & he chose for me to record it & burn it to a cd & personally hand it to him. so i did exactly that.

the song is called San Francisco.<4 & in the song, i tell him that i want to run away with him and be anything we want to be. & then i finally say that he’s perfect and i want him to be mine. i’ll post it sometime soon, but he’s the only one who has it for now :]

he said he loved the song & teared up & got chills. then he said “Well I do like you Riley. a lot actually.” 

HAAAAAAAALLELUJAH - ALL SORTS OF CHURCH BELLS & TAYLOR SWIFT SONGSSSS.

from that night on, things were amazing. he & i just got closer & closer.

WARNING: mushy stuff ahead!

he is the most amazing guy i’ve ever met. before him, i really did not believe in love. i thought my window of opportunity was closed & i was just done being hurt. but then he came along & proved everything wrong before he even knew what i was scared of. i love the way he holds me & makes me feel so small, but so safe. he’s the perfect hug height, i fit in perfectly. the way he plays with me is perfect. he’ll let me be so stupid with him, but he’ll play along. & he knows when i’m serious. he knows everything i want before i want it & most of the time, i get it. i love when he holds my hand, i was never a fan of it until him. he’s so good with me when i’m scared or paranoid. he never takes it as a joke, he’ll really talk me through it & show me that there’s nothing to be scared of. when i pull on his arm, he lets me cuddle & hold his hand. when i wrap my arms around his neck, he puts his hand on my back so comfortably & it’s just all so… perfect.

with him, i say perfect a lot. & it’s a really bad habit. but when i say perfect, i mean perfect for me. because that’s exactly what he is.

right now, he feels that he’s not ready to be in a full-blown relationship but he said there’s no one else that he’s interested in & there’s no one else he wants to be with. he said that i deserve his best & doesn’t want to start off on a bad foot. so as soon as he’s ready, we’ll have the title. so we have/do everything but “bf/gf” titles. but as of 5 days ago, i’m genuinely happy to say that…

i’m dating him.<4 :]

i’ll write about my adventures with him as they play out. but i’m very happy where i am with him. there’s nowhere i’d rather be & no one i’d rather be with. in my mind, i’m his & he knows that. i can’t wait for all of our adventures cause trust me, they’ll be the most fun i’ve had in a long time. i hope you guys will like him as much as i do cause i think he’ll be around for awhile. :}

T A K E N.

UPDATE.

well i’m back :] lots happened while i was gone & things are about to change. 

i won’t be writing about loverboy anymore. he’s out of my life at the moment & i’m not sure if that’ll change. but for now, he’s no longer a part of my life nor does he have a say in my decisions. 

i’ll talk about him in a new post because he deserves it & i have LOTS to say :}

H O P E F U L.

Anonymous said:
You are not a whore!! Whoever said that is an idiot! I love reading this! It inspires me so much!!

thank you :] i’m glad you like it

Anonymous said:
Whoever called you a whore is just rude. If they don't like what you post, they shouldn't read it. Quite simple. Whoever you are, you're entitled to your own opinions, but don't attack someone else just because you think you know the full story. Whoever you are, don't take this as an attack on you please, but it's never appropriate to call someone that, especially over the internet. It stays there forever.

my point exactly. thank you.

raindropraces said:
I love this blog and don't pay attention to haters.. Either they are jealous or too bored with thief own pathetic lives. Love you Riley you are SO far from being a whore.

aha thanks :] love you too!

Anonymous said:
You are far from a whore. don't listen to whoever said that at least you have the courage to write about how you feel. You're like a little mini inspiration.

thank you <3

well. i won’t be posting here for awhile. since apparently i’m nothing but a whore.

i really thought you guys knew me better than that. 

Anonymous said:
To be honest your a whore. You talk about how you want a future with all these guys and it's kind of skanky. And it seems that all these boys have girlfriends while you try to get with them. That's nasty jsyk

welp to be honest. i’ve never GONE AFTER a guy, knowing he had a gf. so don’t call me a whore when you don’t know every detail of MY relationships. 



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